Interview with the Teabagger: Democracy Wen?

"Yeah, I started going to Tea Party events about a year ago," said Carl, who wouldn't give his last name. "Everyone knows what our interests mean here, in the US: more democracy and less government." Question: What about overseas? Do you think that other countries are moving toward more democracy too? China for example?

Answer: You ask me how true are the “Democratic” aspirations of China’s political boss, Wen Jibao? Well, his comments were blacked outta Chinese news reports, so that implies he’s saying somethings someone doesn’t want to hear. I don’t know how he got them by CNN.

Back when we still needed civics classes, we were taught democracy is a kind of “honor system” or gentleman’s agreement to play fair. It’s utopian, like Stalin making Russia a kibbutz or growing hair on a bowling ball. Only America’s makin’ it happen.

Each day a billion Chinese have to double click to get past the web censors. They spend half the time looking for notes of demonstrations against pollution, corruption or lousy wages. We have higher standards -- garbage pickup, hedge funds -- there’s nothing to complain about.

Jeez, it’s communism. It’s the opposite of here. We get free expression, free association and free (well, inexpensive) religion. In China you don’t just lose your job for making trouble, they sell your kidneys.

Wen won’t stop harping on democracy until his donations count toward free speech, the Communist Party raises what the Democrats and Republicans get, combined, and the politboro goes bipartisan. If he thinks that buying our treasury bills is gonna give every Chinese who goes to court the lobbyist of his choice, he’d better start putting up another wall around Tenement Square, cause we had to sacrifice a lot for that, not just money.

And how do they get away with saying their traffic jams are the same as having a big middle class? We had that after the War. But we didn’t go around bragging about it. We parked in the suburbs and let the minorities live in our old apartments. I mean, China’d have to try education, religion, and private enterprise for fifty years before they could have democracy. I guess it’s not all one-sided, though. Chinese obesity is way up, so, like the Pepsi ad says, they got some freedom of choice.

But if Wen’s thinking he can sign up a bunch of rednecks and shut ins, and call it a two party system, but who are saying the same thing, for the same bosses, and he can call that democracy, he’s gotta nutha think comin.

I read they got Sun, Cisco, Yahoo and MSN bugging the internet, and wired into Chinese police stations, people ratting out each other, and the television tells them to go hold an anti-American rally. So that’s why its different because we’re allowed to own stock in those companies. We can make a profit.

Another difference is the Chinese are just gullible. They’re completely intimidated by their military forces. If I was worried about the military here, I go live in a bunker.
How could anybody believe those missiles they’re parading down main street -- like a bunch of warmed over socialists – aren’t just dummies. You can’t ever tell, until you hook a camera to it and blow it up. That’s what safety’s all about.

People’s “Liberation” Army, who they kiddin? Why don’t they liberate their currency for a starter, and quit hogging all of the Little League championships? If it wasn’t for Christian missionaries, you think Mao wouldda figured out which end of the gun all that politics comes from? C’mon, gimme a break with this.

So, the Chinese all think they’re number one now, chasing American aircraft carriers out of the Pacific, making a play on the Middle Eastern oil we been spending so much money keeping tabs on, and stealing all our technology with hacker warfare. You call that a democracy? I call it kleptomania. I mean someone’s getting rich over there, while we’re sitting around, blogging whatever we feel like saying.

We can criticize our government all night and all day, and nobody does anything about it. We put anyone we like in the White House, no mater how white, or not-white we decide he’s gonna be on any given day. We wake up every morning, proud of ourselves, our celebrities, CEOs, and you got the nerve to tell me Yao Ming? We’re autonomous, man. We work anyplace we want, any time we want, as long as we want, and not our wives, not our bosses, well, not our wives, have any right to say anything.

You say “democracy” Wen? Well, I say, 'Democracy, When?' Put your money where your mouth is, or go back to your sushi and cheap electronics.